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Quotes by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face ... Read Full Quote
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sack ... Read Full Quote
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to po ... Read Full Quote
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is ... Read Full Quote
I believe in making the world safe for our children, bu ... Read Full Quote
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and la ... Read Full Quote
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebod ... Read Full Quote
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Ju ... Read Full Quote
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the po ... Read Full Quote
You know something that would really make me applaud A ... Read Full Quote
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window The gu ... Read Full Quote
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer ... Read Full Quote
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you ... Read Full Quote
How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about ... Read Full Quote
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we ... Read Full Quote
One day one of my little nephews came up to me and aske ... Read Full Quote
Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit tha ... Read Full Quote
If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars ... Read Full Quote
If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope ... Read Full Quote
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand ... Read Full Quote
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch ... Read Full Quote
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too ... Read Full Quote
If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind yo ... Read Full Quote
If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to ... Read Full Quote
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sl ... Read Full Quote
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an ... Read Full Quote
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires ... Read Full Quote
If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other g ... Read Full Quote
I hope that after I die, people will say of me 'That gu ... Read Full Quote
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure h ... Read Full Quote
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vult ... Read Full Quote
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd ... Read Full Quote
If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassin ... Read Full Quote
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scar ... Read Full Quote
Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun It's chea ... Read Full Quote
I guess the hard thing for a lot of people to accept is ... Read Full Quote
Whenever I need to get away,'' I just get away in my mi ... Read Full Quote
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually thin ... Read Full Quote
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck d ... Read Full Quote
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think ... Read Full Quote
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world w ... Read Full Quote
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drin ... Read Full Quote
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocol ... Read Full Quote
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burni ... Read Full Quote
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to we ... Read Full Quote
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of ... Read Full Quote
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first sta ... Read Full Quote
When I was a child, there were times when we had to ent ... Read Full Quote
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a ti ... Read Full Quote
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could ... Read Full Quote
Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tort ... Read Full Quote
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was ... Read Full Quote
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. T ... Read Full Quote
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try ... Read Full Quote
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must ... Read Full Quote
I think a new, different kind of bowling should be 'car ... Read Full Quote
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to g ... Read Full Quote
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fea ... Read Full Quote
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more ... Read Full Quote
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops dow ... Read Full Quote
The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. B ... Read Full Quote
I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns---regular ... Read Full Quote
I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't preten ... Read Full Quote
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I h ... Read Full Quote
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beau ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new n ... Read Full Quote
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupit ... Read Full Quote
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, ... Read Full Quote
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp ... Read Full Quote
One thing about my Aunt Nadie She was gruff on the outs ... Read Full Quote
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the st ... Read Full Quote
Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how ... Read Full Quote
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, ... Read Full Quote
It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to liv ... Read Full Quote
I remember one day I was at Grandpa's farm and I asked ... Read Full Quote
If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous ... Read Full Quote
You know what would make a good story Something about a ... Read Full Quote
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, whic ... Read Full Quote
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof ... Read Full Quote
It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothp ... Read Full Quote
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, bec ... Read Full Quote
The old-timers around here still shake their heads and ... Read Full Quote
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that c ... Read Full Quote
Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly ... Read Full Quote
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked bette ... Read Full Quote
Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the s ... Read Full Quote
I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on ... Read Full Quote
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mout ... Read Full Quote
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it o ... Read Full Quote
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies O ... Read Full Quote
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so ... Read Full Quote
If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk ... Read Full Quote
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thi ... Read Full Quote
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better ... Read Full Quote
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't ... Read Full Quote
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout histor ... Read Full Quote
If someone told me it wasn't 'fashionable' to talk abou ... Read Full Quote
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and whe ... Read Full Quote
To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is ... Read Full Quote
A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your ... Read Full Quote
Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moo ... Read Full Quote
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top ... Read Full Quote
It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying ... Read Full Quote
There should be a detective show called 'Johnny Monkey, ... Read Full Quote
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'l ... Read Full Quote
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you u ... Read Full Quote
I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who i ... Read Full Quote
Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk ... Read Full Quote
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'sw ... Read Full Quote
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a v ... Read Full Quote
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing i ... Read Full Quote
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidew ... Read Full Quote
I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest ... Read Full Quote
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, ... Read Full Quote
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come ... Read Full Quote
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're ... Read Full Quote
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to wh ... Read Full Quote
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He love ... Read Full Quote
I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right aft ... Read Full Quote
Worship the potato The idea seemed silly to me. But the ... Read Full Quote
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardes ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a litt ... Read Full Quote
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big ... Read Full Quote
If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eatin ... Read Full Quote
The memories of my family outings are still a source of ... Read Full Quote
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out ever ... Read Full Quote
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled ur ... Read Full Quote
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, ... Read Full Quote
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in ... Read Full Quote
You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your p ... Read Full Quote
If there's ever an amusement park called Bag World, I b ... Read Full Quote
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of ... Read Full Quote
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake Straddle ... Read Full Quote
To me, there's no better symbol for the world than a gr ... Read Full Quote
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing t ... Read Full Quote
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding c ... Read Full Quote
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs ... Read Full Quote
If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carry ... Read Full Quote
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a livi ... Read Full Quote
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one ... Read Full Quote
To us, it might look like just a rag. But to the brave, ... Read Full Quote
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody ... Read Full Quote
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very mu ... Read Full Quote
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came ... Read Full Quote
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a ... Read Full Quote
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the ineffi ... Read Full Quote
I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And m ... Read Full Quote
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someo ... Read Full Quote
Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to ... Read Full Quote
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, ... Read Full Quote
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart ... Read Full Quote
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when ... Read Full Quote
I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of ... Read Full Quote
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot ... Read Full Quote
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me ... Read Full Quote
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a ... Read Full Quote
If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing ... Read Full Quote
If you had a school for professional fireworks people, ... Read Full Quote
Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a l ... Read Full Quote
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach A sand d ... Read Full Quote
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scie ... Read Full Quote
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said 'Watch For ... Read Full Quote
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look a ... Read Full Quote
When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just ma ... Read Full Quote
I wish there was a disease where you're afraid of cloud ... Read Full Quote
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one th ... Read Full Quote
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up ... Read Full Quote
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is t ... Read Full Quote
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more tha ... Read Full Quote
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't autom ... Read Full Quote
As the evening sun faded from a salmon color to a sort ... Read Full Quote
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the ... Read Full Quote
People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one ... Read Full Quote
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered i ... Read Full Quote
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did t ... Read Full Quote
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and ba ... Read Full Quote
Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd g ... Read Full Quote
Frank knew that no man had ever crossed the desert on f ... Read Full Quote
I'd rather be rich than stupid. ... Read Full Quote
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch ... Read Full Quote
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you c ... Read Full Quote
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. ... Read Full Quote
I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make pe ... Read Full Quote
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get s ... Read Full Quote
How come, just as the rocket is launching, the astronau ... Read Full Quote
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and yo ... Read Full Quote
When you first start wearing a turban, probably the mos ... Read Full Quote
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it ... Read Full Quote
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having ... Read Full Quote
People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapab ... Read Full Quote
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I w ... Read Full Quote
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not ... Read Full Quote
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with ... Read Full Quote
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caugh ... Read Full Quote
If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don ... Read Full Quote
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music ... Read Full Quote
Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a ... Read Full Quote
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mis ... Read Full Quote
If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my c ... Read Full Quote
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us ... Read Full Quote
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness a ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE ex ... Read Full Quote
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date ... Read Full Quote
A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend g ... Read Full Quote
I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, 'Yes ... Read Full Quote
If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of yo ... Read Full Quote
I'm just guessing, but probably one of the early signs ... Read Full Quote
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cu ... Read Full Quote
I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right ... Read Full Quote
If you're robbing a bank, and your pants suddenly fall ... Read Full Quote
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I ... Read Full Quote
I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warl ... Read Full Quote
Let's be honest Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing ... Read Full Quote
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, ... Read Full Quote
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regu ... Read Full Quote
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at ... Read Full Quote
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls o ... Read Full Quote
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably b ... Read Full Quote
If you want to sue somebody, just get a little plastic ... Read Full Quote
I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ... Read Full Quote
Contrary to popular belief, the most dangerous animal i ... Read Full Quote
I remember how the other kids used to say that old Mist ... Read Full Quote
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your ... Read Full Quote
Love is not something that you can put chains on and th ... Read Full Quote
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fi ... Read Full Quote
Instead of raising your hand to ask a question in class ... Read Full Quote
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think th ... Read Full Quote
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit ... Read Full Quote
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is ... Read Full Quote
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd s ... Read Full Quote
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we ... Read Full Quote
The big, huge meteor headed toward the Earth. Could not ... Read Full Quote
You can kidnap me and force me to be your watchdog if y ... Read Full Quote
I bet when they weren't fighting, Vikings with horn hel ... Read Full Quote
The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a ... Read Full Quote
What am I afraid of I'll tell you a feather. that's rig ... Read Full Quote
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLA ... Read Full Quote
I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the be ... Read Full Quote
Isn't it funny how one minute life can be such a strugg ... Read Full Quote
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, l ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want ... Read Full Quote
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarras ... Read Full Quote
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a ... Read Full Quote
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that rea ... Read Full Quote
I remember we were all horrified to see Grandpa up on t ... Read Full Quote
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king ... Read Full Quote
It's funny that pirates were always going around search ... Read Full Quote
I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others ... Read Full Quote
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them o ... Read Full Quote
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did Good ... Read Full Quote
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit tho ... Read Full Quote
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had wh ... Read Full Quote
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most thin ... Read Full Quote
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself ... Read Full Quote
I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Win ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I ... Read Full Quote
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, woul ... Read Full Quote
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has ... Read Full Quote
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on i ... Read Full Quote
I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as ... Read Full Quote
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the t ... Read Full Quote
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to ... Read Full Quote
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, ... Read Full Quote
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when s ... Read Full Quote
I wish a robot would get elected President. That way, w ... Read Full Quote
If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play ... Read Full Quote
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if ... Read Full Quote
I think one way police departments could make some mone ... Read Full Quote
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade ... Read Full Quote
A quiz If I am my brother's keeper, who am I (Answer me ... Read Full Quote
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me ... Read Full Quote
I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up wher ... Read Full Quote
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to st ... Read Full Quote
I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and inven ... Read Full Quote
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think it's th ... Read Full Quote
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones ... Read Full Quote
I think a good movie would be about a guy who's a brain ... Read Full Quote
If you're pretty happy, but you have a little Chihuahua ... Read Full Quote
If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like ... Read Full Quote
Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't desi ... Read Full Quote
Whenever I open a door, I pull on the doorknob real har ... Read Full Quote
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because ... Read Full Quote
Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your cloc ... Read Full Quote
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. An ... Read Full Quote
I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad. ... Read Full Quote
If you define cowardice as running away at the first si ... Read Full Quote
Many people do not realize that the snowshoe can be use ... Read Full Quote
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should ... Read Full Quote
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But a ... Read Full Quote
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is b ... Read Full Quote
When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, ... Read Full Quote
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel get ... Read Full Quote
If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a ... Read Full Quote
You know how to paint a room real fast Just put paint r ... Read Full Quote
I guess one of the funniest memories of my grandfather ... Read Full Quote
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year ... Read Full Quote
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I me ... Read Full Quote
You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. ... Read Full Quote
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choos ... Read Full Quote
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, w ... Read Full Quote
Carl would have to be fast to beat the stranger. Real f ... Read Full Quote
When you're going up the stairs and you take a step, ki ... Read Full Quote
If you're trying to remember a happy memory, don't thin ... Read Full Quote
If you lived in the Dark Ages, and you were a catapult ... Read Full Quote
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and late ... Read Full Quote
I think Superman and Santa Claus are actually the same ... Read Full Quote
If I had the time to sit down and write a thank-you not ... Read Full Quote
If you had to list the different types of haircuts in o ... Read Full Quote
Whether they live in an igloo or a grass shack or a mud ... Read Full Quote
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows but without that ... Read Full Quote
When I think back on all the blessings I have been give ... Read Full Quote